Throughout my high school career as a wannabe playboy, I have been on the sidelines amongst the nerds due to reality keeping people like me in check. When I was younger, I was outgoing and considered a “cutie.” Now, I am socially awkward around the ladies. All said and done, my reality is that I have nothing going for me. I’ve never liked being compared to something I’m not. My family has a strong reputation, but I seem to be the downfall. People wonder why I’m not like my siblings; in fact, there have been allegations that I was adopted. That would make for a good story, but this isn’t one of them. In my brain is a nagging urge of self improvement. I have always wanted to live up to everyone’s expectations, but it seems that my work ethic is quite lacking. I will never be what they want, so I have decided to do things outside of the norm. It's always been hard for me to escape the pressures of my peers, so I use crude humor as a means of filling the pit I feel in my life. My girl Eleanor Roosevelt once said,”No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”After all, she was a woman, and we know how women get around that time of month. My life goal has always been to be successful, but I have had several qualms along the way. I would like to win the lottery which isn't likely, and most of all, I would like to be a stay at home mom. I don’t take many things seriously which seems to be a recurring problem. Not many people seem to have faith in me which makes sense because not even my friends respect me. I am viewed as a joke, and so is this essay.
This essay is just one of the many obstacles I must overcome to get on with my meaningless life. People look at me and see me as the immature kid who says dumb shit to get attention, but I do this to validate myself. Doing this brings up the question of do these people truly care for me, but by doing this people care for me in the wrong way. Doing this deprecates what little respect I have for myself and is the sole reason why myself and my peers view me as a joke. I don't want anyone to change their opinions of how they see me or sympathize with me. Sure, some of you may be able to relate to me, but that is only what’s on the surface. Day to day, for the past four years I have struggled with finding a reason to live. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for all of my life but not until recently has it truly affected me. My root of depression is mostly caused of my desire of being someone I am not. At the end of the day, we should own up to who we are and live as the person we see in the mirror and not the one we wish to be. I am able to realize and preach this harsh truth, but will never live by this. Our souls may be consumed by shadows, but that doesn't mean we have to behave as monsters.
I engaged in self harm as a cry for help, and it got to the point where the only way to fix things in my parents eyes was to hospitalize me. This was a drastic step for my future. No longer would I be labeled as one of the normal kids. So for all of those people out there that wonder why I was gone for over a month, I was in a hospital at Vanderbilt being treated for depression and anxiety. If you wonder what happened to my arm, the gist is that I was in a cat fight with my emotions. What has been done can never be forgotten. I have to live with the fact that my hospitalization will always be part of my medical history. The wounds I have endured on the outside of my body are a mere comparison of how I feel inside. At this point I am just trying to find a purpose to live.